I'll start with a disclaimer to anyone who might be reading: this is NOT A POST ABOUT DIABETES. Not that it won't come up, because everything in my life is about diabetes these days. What this is really about is melancholy, that nostalgic-sad feeling that comes over you from time to time, especially on holidays, perhaps because you can think back to those same holidays in years past. Memorial Day is a bad one for me, because it marks the beginning of the summer, and it was at just this time 14 years ago that my marriage unravelled. At the time I thought I would not survive. I was 43 years old, I had been with the same person since I was 18, I had just quit my job, and I had 3 year old twins. I did survive, of course, and can honestly say that I like my current life better than I liked that one, but still . . . there are things I miss. I miss having a husband, even though I wouldn't want one now. I miss that entitled, excited feeling of packing up for the first weekend at the beach house, and the prospect of all those beachy summer weekends ahead of us. I miss being able to say "us". I miss my kids when they were babies. I miss them now, even though they're only gone for the weekend. I think about how they'll be in college in just over a year, and I miss them in advance. I feel old, and left behind, and now, old, left behind, and chronically sick. I'm feeling totally sorry for myself, in case you can't tell. I know there are things I could do to lift myself out of this mood -- weave something, spin something, put on my pajamas and watch TV -- but for the moment I'm just going to wallow in this melancholic pit, get it out of my system, and start fresh tomorrow.
